As a therapist, I often find myself reflecting on a quiet, persistent question:
What makes change possible for some, while others remain stuck—seemingly immune to transformation?
Is it nature or nurture? Readiness or resistance? What opens the door to healing for one person, while another remains standing on the threshold?
People come to therapy for many reasons. Some arrive in crisis, while others are led by an internal whisper—something that says, “There’s more for me than this.” Whether it’s anxiety, relationship distress, grief, parenting struggles, or a yearning for deeper self-understanding, the desire for something different becomes the first step toward change.
But even with the right support, insight, and intention, some people still feel stuck—caught in familiar emotional loops or relational patterns that seem impossible to break. It’s not laziness or a lack of trying. Often, it’s much more complex.
Why Some Stay Stuck: Attachment, Safety, and the Nervous System
Through the lens of attachment theory, we begin to understand why healing doesn’t look the same for everyone. Those who experienced secure attachment in early life often internalise a felt sense of safety, worthiness, and trust in others. When life gets tough, they tend to turn toward support and remain emotionally flexible.
But for others—those with insecure or disorganised attachment—the path is different. Their nervous systems may have learned that vulnerability isn’t safe, that emotions overwhelm, or that connection leads to pain. These protective strategies, developed early and unconsciously, can create resistance to therapy—not because the person doesn’t want to change, but because their internal world is organised around survival, not safety.
In fact, research in interpersonal neurobiology and polyvagal theory shows that safety is a prerequisite for transformation. Until the body and nervous system feel safe enough, change simply won’t stick. This isn’t a failure—it’s a deep wisdom of the body doing what it was wired to do: protect.
When One Partner Changes and the Other Feels Left Behind..
I work with many couples where one partner is deeply engaged in their journey of self-discovery, therapy, or personal growth—and the other seems hesitant, overwhelmed, or emotionally shut down. This mismatch can create a widening gap in the relationship, leaving both people feeling alone in different ways. This can feel like an emotional “drift.” The growing partner may begin to crave deeper connection and emotional intimacy, while the other may feel criticised, left behind, or even threatened by the change. Sometimes this shows up in frustration, withdrawal, or conflict—but underneath it all is fear. Fear of not being enough. Fear of being abandoned. Fear of the unfamiliar.
Studies in Emotionally Focused Therapy (EFT) and attachment-based couples work show that when one partner begins to change—especially in the way they relate emotionally—it can destabilise the old dynamic. The emotional dance they’ve always done together begins to shift, and without shared understanding or support, it can feel confusing or unsafe.
The Ripple Effect of Therapy
But here’s the hopeful truth I see every day in my practice: therapy always has a ripple effect.
When one partner begins to heal—to communicate with more vulnerability, to set boundaries with love, to show up with empathy—it often encourages the other to soften. To get curious. To risk trying something new.
It doesn’t happen overnight, but this gentle ripple begins to move through the relationship… and then into the family system. Children feel it. Conversations shift. Generational patterns loosen their grip. One person’s healing has the power to open the door for others. This is the beauty of relational work. It’s never isolated. Whether someone comes to therapy alone or with their partner, the impact is relational—it trickles outward, like water moving through stone. Soft, slow, and steady.
Reparenting the Inner World
In both individual and couples therapy, I often weave in reparenting work—a compassionate process of meeting unmet emotional needs from the past. Whether it’s learning to soothe the inner critic, tolerate difficult feelings, or nurture the parts of ourselves that didn’t get what they needed, reparenting helps create a foundation of emotional safety from the inside out.
As one person begins to reparent themselves, it often inspires shifts in their relationships. They model emotional responsibility, emotional regulation, and healthy boundaries—and this becomes an invitation to those around them. Change becomes contagious in the best possible way.
So, why do some people create change in therapy while others stay stuck? It’s not a question of strength or willingness. It’s a question of safety, attachment history, relational context, nervous system readiness—and often, whether there’s a big enough catalyst for change. When the conditions are right—when someone feels seen, safe, and supported—and when life offers a moment that shakes the status quo, change is absolutely possible. Sometimes that catalyst is a relationship breakdown, a parenting challenge, a health scare, or simply the quiet realisation that “I can’t keep doing this.”
And just because someone feels stuck now doesn’t mean they always will. When the right conditions emerge, even long-held patterns can begin to shift. Therapy isn’t about pushing someone to grow. It’s about creating the conditions for growth to emerge naturally—like a plant leaning toward the light.
If you’re navigating these dynamics in your relationship, or you’re curious about how therapy could support your own healing, you’re not alone. Whether through individual therapy, couples counselling, or reparenting your inner child, there’s always a way forward.
And often, that one brave step inward creates a ripple that touches everything—and everyone—you love.
About Jo Bealey
Jo Bealey is an Attachment and Relationship Therapist, specialising in Emotionally Focused Therapy (EFT), couples counselling, and attachment-based therapy. With a compassionate and reflective approach, Jo works with individuals and couples to navigate emotional struggles, build deeper connections, and create lasting change. She also offers reparenting therapy to help clients heal their inner world and break generational cycles. Jo’s work supports individuals in reclaiming their emotional safety, improving relationships, and fostering growth within themselves and their families. Based in Joondalup, Perth and UK, Jo offers both in-person and online therapy sessions. www.jobealey.com
Photo Credit: